Hands down.

I seriously miss you...

You Annoy Me.

Why do you expect the worst in me all the time?? It's not like I'm a kid. I'm not a child and I refuse to be treated as one. I don't get you, I don't get why you would not trust me? I know pretty well I'm the type of person that's hard to say "NO" to fun. But I know my limits. I have a solid ground that I'm standing on. I have a brain you see. I can think for myself. There is no need for you to think for me, because I know I am quite sane to do so on my own. I get pressured when you do this. I have no idea why you keep on doing it all over again. And again...and again...and again. Tell me why?? Be straight forward with me and tell me in the face. I've been keeping this all on my own, I can't stand it anymore. I'm sure probably you had told stories about me to people, stories that possibly does not even hold the slightest truth! You should be grateful that I am not as bad as the next person you know. I'm not lying, I have done some bad stuffs, but I know what I should or should not do. I know how to choose for myself, thank you very much. I'm very full in rage right this moment. But fortunately, it just happens you are not right here right now.

This is the part in my life that I call being betrayed.

What now?

I'm so tired of playing games that I'm thinking of giving up. Going about it in my thoughts over and over again just makes me miserable. I think I should stop and try making myself happy for a change and not continue on worrying about you.

So what if you don't care about me? What if I'm just nothing to you? I can't do anything about it and I can't force you too, true?
I'm a nobody to you for a reason.
The best thing I could do is just leave you and let you live your own life without me tagging along and ruining a part of your life. I'm sorry if I did so.. You just mean a lot to me.

All I want to do now is get rid of these feelings and let you be happy without me. Though I want you to know, I do care.

It is of course easier to be said than done...

I'll find the light someday.

Surprisingly, I'm skipping a lecture today. It's ECS Lecture, so I hope it's not a biggie. Abah, I'm sorry. I'll go next week okay? InsyaAllah. :(

It is only the beginning of a new week, but I'm already tired. All drained out from going back and forth to Bintulu. But I'll survive. ;)

I have not been happy with a couple number of people too. Seems like everything they do would just annoy the hell out of me.
Whatever it is, I think my mood is being stabilize slowly now.
I still do get mood swings and mostly my mood just goes down the drain.
I have not been laughing and smiling out of sincerity too lately.
And the saddest part is, all of these bad lucks are happening at the same time.

I'm still a bit lost. I feel insecure. I'm mentally harassed. I'm scared all the time now. I sleep all the time. I don't really care about things. I miss someone. I'm annoyed at some people. I don't really study that much. I don't really pay much attention in class. I don't really talk like I used to.
Basically, I'm just so down!

My god, what is wrong with me? :((

This is hard...

Baby, be clear.
And tell me what are we?
I miss you so much.

I DO...
;(

Very much speechless.

I can't seem to find anything to write about these days. My days had been gloomy and quite empty. I think I may need somebody to talk to. To really talk to.

Since Jedi passed away, I've been in a bit weird trance lately. I try not to show it, but I am. It's probably just a phase I'm going through.

I'm currently back home now, took a bus last night so I could attend my uncle's wedding this morning. I didn't take much pictures though, I hardly took any..which is really not me. But I'll try to find some and post 'em up. Soon.

So I've been having a problem with a guy in Curtin. A black dude. I think he just wants what I won't give and he scares the shit out of me.
Okay, I'll admit it was my mistake to give my number to him. But then again he seemed so so kind at first. Seems like he did not have any intention going on in that head of his. Well, seems otherwise now.

He freaked me out when he started following me around and stuffs. He even waited outside to toilet for me to come out just so he could talk to me or something. *BIG GULP*

I'm so dead I know.

But whatever, I'm gonna ignore you, I'm sorry. You started it.

Right, till then.

XOXO.
=)

Al Fatihah.

After not even a week in Miri, I went back home again on Thursday evening.
I got a call from Abah that Jedi was in the hospital.
So, both me and Abg left our classes early to pack our things..
Then I got a second call and Abah told us that the doctor said Jedi was in a stable state, that there wasn't any need for us to come back home as soon as possible.

So I hang around a bit with Abg in my block while Amanda made me lunch. Abg left after sometime and I was chatting with Shafiya after lunch.
During this time I left my phone in silent mode unpurposedly.. I got a third phone call from Jazli around 5p.m.

I was shocked to see that I had about 12 missed calls and around 8 text messages.

At approximately 4.30 p.m I lost Jedi. My body shock a bit and my hands were trembleing as I ran to Abg's room for confirmation. I cannot believe on what I was told. It all seem like a dream to me. Just like that, I love my dearest Jedi; Wan Ali ibnu Habib Salleh.

Am currently back home in Bintulu.
It has been mentally challenging these past few days.

May his soul rest in peace with the faithful servants of Allah.

Al Fatiha.

Finally...

I am back in Miri and I am on campus now. There were big changes here and there, but all and all, it's still almost the same. It still does have that homey feeling which I love love! ;)
I have not hang out with some couple of people, and still missing some other people.
But then, HEH. It is only the start of a new semester, I'll have more time for that soon. I hope.
So it's just the first week, the 2nd day of class, and I have already have assignments!
God daymmnnn, man!

Imma stop now, I have a class in awhile.
Wish me luck peeps!

Lotsa love,
Epahhape. :D

By Myself.

I wanna go to a place far far away.

Without anybody that I know..

Not even a single soul...

* * *

Never try to push me into something I won't agree to be doing.
All this while, I thought my life was 'okay', when I look back again, actually I was never happy.

Yes, I was for some reason. You see, I was happy for other people but not myself. I was never happy for myself.
I tried to be selfish, and make myself happy but it goes wrong every time.
The only happiness I can find is through things. Things that I purchased out of obsession and depression.

You see, no one knows this but me. I'm letting it out now, just in case if you happen to bump into another side of me that you were not aware of..

But I could still be the other person, that I am known of to be. I could always disguise myself in another personality, when I'm with other people and not alone.

I guess you do understand yourself better than any other person.. Even when you say you don't understand yourself, it actually means you do. A whole lot.

How Asian am I?

If you're Asian you GOTTA take this quiz
If you're not, just do it anyways :)

So, how 'asian' are you?????

[x] Both of your parents are from Asia
[x] You were born in Asia
[ ] You use the term "Azn"
[ ] You think DDR is cool
[ ] You've watched lots of anime
[ ] You like Korean drama
[x] You have stuff hanging on your phone
[ ] Your parents want you to marry within your own race
[x] You eat rice almost everyday
[x] You drink lemon tea

X's so far: 5

[ ] You style your hair -- sometimes
[x] You have a bebo/myspace/friendster
[x] You speak languages other than English
[x] Your parents are strict compared to other REALLY asian parents
[x] Your parents have high expectations of you
[x] You always get A's/B's on your report
[x] You do Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Accounting
[x] You know your multiplication table
[x] You play badminton or table tennis
[ ] You've seen the asian version The ring/The grudge

X's so far: 13

[ ] You go/want to go to a university and would NEVER consider an apprenticeship
[x] You own an asian car (Honda, Toyota, etc)
[x] You're not the only child
[ ] You've gotten little red envelopes around February
[x] You know the difference between kung fu, karate and tae kwon do
[ ] (If you're a girl)You prefer white guys over asian guys (If you're a guy) You prefer asian girls
[x] Your mother tries to bargain even though the product is already discounted
[ ] You can do the rubiks cube
[x] You have a box of noodles somewhere in your house
[ ] You play video games

X's so far: 18

[ ] Everytime you're going out your parents ask you where you're going and what time you'll be home
[ ] You have karaoke at home
[x] You know BOA/Gazette/Ayumi Hamasaki/Gackt
[ ] You've been to a LAN more than 3 times.
[x] You have incense sticks/moth balls in your house
[x] You own a gaming console
[ ] You play a musical instrument
[x] You don't wear shoes in your house
[x] You can use chopsticks
[x] You get nothing if you do well in school

X's so far: 24

[x] Your parents won't let you go out if you have school the next day
[x] You have asian songs on your computer/iPod
[ ] You don't like football(soccer)
[ ] You have a curfew
[ ] You know what ulzzang/tb means
[ ] You know what purikura is
[x] You like bubble tea
[ ] Your parents bought you shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come
[ ] You've played final fantasy
[ ] You believe in fortune cookies

X's so far: 27

[ ] You know what bok choy is
[ ] You've heard the song "Got rice?"
[ ] You have a tutor
[ ] You've had pockys/yan yan before
[x] When you seek for your mother's permission she replies "Ask your dad"

X's so far: 28

Your total x 2
Result: 56% Asian

Hahaha. Unbelievable. I thought I was more Asian than that! :D